She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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