It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
