You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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