you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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