About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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