what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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