Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Randomize
