You just made me feel so damn special
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We have started to decorate penises.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
