Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
