I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
