Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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