Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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