I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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