Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
