How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
