Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
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All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
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I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.