there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
