her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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