Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
