Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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