You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
