tell your sister to shave her snatch
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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