Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
