I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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