totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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