i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
