Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
