i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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