Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
