I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
