So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
