I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
