saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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