How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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