At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
