He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Is Oprah even human
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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