Someone shit on the floor
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Everclear isn't food dammit
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
