If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
