so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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