We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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