tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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