officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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