Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
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It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
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Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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