conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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