I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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