Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well I just put wine in my tea
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
