I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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