Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
