he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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