im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
