put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
