i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
