im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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