he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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