don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
